I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
