One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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