so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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