just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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