Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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