woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
