Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
