I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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