I molested 6 butterflies tonight
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
