I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
