i came on her dog
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
