Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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