we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
