Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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