Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
