my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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