using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
