I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
