mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
