I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
