If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
