he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
