my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
