Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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