i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
