I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize