is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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