I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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