So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
