Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
