i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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