to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize