I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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