Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
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