You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
