dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Life is so much better after having sex.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
