I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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