I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
