good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize