i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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