Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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