i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
