Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
