Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize