last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
