why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
