Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
