This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
