Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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