On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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