dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
