THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
