Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Even my vagina gasped.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
