I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
