You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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