I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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