u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The best revenge is premature balding
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize
