are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
