I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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