It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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